Dialogue Part 1

DIALOGUE PART 1

Or: "How y'all doing today?" she smiled sweetly.

Comments: "Pace is slow in dialogues." Or "Try showing instead of telling in dialogues."

What they might mean: Your dialogue attributions are dragging a scene's pace or sapping a scene's tension.

Dialogue attribution is how you let the reader know who is speaking which line.

For example: "Kill the traitor," said Jub.

The bolded part is the dialogue attribution.

You might have run across this bit of writerly advice: (Always) use "said" instead of alternatives like: shouted, whispered, grunted, hissed, hinted, questioned, replied, asked, etc.

The most common reason for this advice is that "said" is so prevalent and commonly used, it's virtually invisible. It's like a subliminal link between what is said and who says it.

When an alternative is used, it takes a bit of extra brain power to process how something is said.

Frex: "Kill the traitor," shouted Jub.

Instead, try using punctuation: "Kill the traitor!" said Jub.

Now, if you've run across that "said vs alternative words" tip, you might also have found the "said + adverb warning."

That looks like "(Always) use said without an adverb in dialogue attributions."

Frex: "Save my horse," said Mell beseechingly.

Or worse: "Save my horse," Mell shouted beseechingly (excitedly, worriedly, etc).

Why is this such a sin?

Apart from the added words (which can drag the pace) what's happening is a bit of telling instead of showing.

Let's put our serious pants on.

Some months ago, I blogged about show versus tell and put forth some reasons why one or the other would better serve a story in particular scenes. In dialogue, you might think you're showing conflict in the scene, but when you use too many adverbs, you're telling the reader things.

Let's revisit -ly and its role in show vs tell:

When you come across an -ly word in your dialogue attributes, can you ask "How do you know?"

Example: "I hate you," Doug said angrily.

How do you know he said it angrily?

Because he punched the wall, or scowled, or did any number of things to show his anger.

The fact that you can ask the "How do you know?" prompt and get a "Because" response reveals that you can still change that sentence into a showing piece. But putting the show after Doug's actual statement is still a bit of tell.

Why?

Because you're telling the reader second-hand in formation.

What the character says is simply what the character says. When you add a description after the fact, you're offering an interpretation relayed and filtered by the narrator. By the fact that such a description exists, you're also framing the character's words in a way that it should be interpreted. Useful, yes. But not always necessary or beneficial.

A real world example of how annoying this added telling can be is to think of the "said alternatives" or "said + word with -ly" as having a backseat driver.

Most people who drive can do it adequately. But a backseat driver, for reasons known only to them, has a compulsion to comment on everything.

"In half a mile, you're going to turn right," said Kim, the leprechaun.

"Got it," said Bob, the unicorn.

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"You're shifting too hard. And you're too close to that car."

"No I'm not," said Bob.

"You're going too fast."

"I'm going the speed limit."

"This street's a speed trap," said Kim. "You're gonna get a ticket. And you should signal when you're going to merge."

"There was no one in this lane," said Bob.

"Slow down, we're coming to an intersection."

"I know. Light's still green."

"Stale green. Gonna turn yellow," said Kim. "Get ready to stop."

"We'll make it."

"Speed up then."

"You just told me to slow down!" 

Having dialogue attributions other than said, or modified by an adverb, is much like telling the reader things they might have already gleaned from the situation in the scene or from the character's statement. It can get annoying, and it can feel like you don't trust the reader to figure it out on their own. 

But! if you feel that adding an adverb is necessary, it can be an indication that what has been written in the dialogue isn't as clear as it could be.

In your WIP:

Try putting the essence of the -ly word into the character's statement, not after it.

Here's our example again:

"I hate you," Doug said angrily.

Try changing it with punctuation: "I hate you!" said Doug.

I think we can do better. If we're writing a fantasy piece, maybe we can give Doug some voice: "I loathe you!" said Doug.

Or how about putting that angry hate in subtext in a contemporary piece: "I see you again, I'll mess you up so bad they gotta pick you up with a wetvac," said Doug.

Caveat:

Sometimes, using a word other than "said" can help add meaning to what the character actually says:

"I hate you," Doug whispered. If this is he only time I see a word other than "said" in the whole damn scene, I'm going to see its significance, wonder why he's suddenly whispering, maybe even have my mind blown at what's being implied.

But remember: "Said" is a verb. Make sure what you're replacing it with is a verb which can be used logically with spoken communication. In other words, can you whisper, shout, yell, hint, spit, growl, hiss, laugh, smile, or frown a statement?

When in doubt, try it out. 

"I hate you," he frowned.

"I love you," she smiled. 

"You simpering slut," she hissed.

"Run, cowards!" he roared.

"I know all the cool kids," she simpered.

"That pie was delicious!" he said.

 Which worked?

Happy writing and revising! 

J

Coming Up!

More Dialogue

Passive

Verbing

Robert Bevan 

Nat Russo

Show Versus Tell Part 3

Show Versus Tell

Part 3: Frankensteining It

Warning: This post contains questionably explicit quoted material that may not be suitable for everyone.

We've gone over how to turn Tell into Show and the importance of Telling. Now let's look at how authors stitch them together in some contemporary New York Times Notable Books and Bestsellers.

'My suffering left me sad and gloomy.

Academic study and the steady, mindful practice of religion slowly brought me back to life.' – Yann Martel, Life of Pi

Martel opens Chapter One of his novel-turned-movie with a Telling statement, followed by a narrative summary chronicling the protagonist's university experience.

Why use a Tell in this instance?

The Telling lines are necessary because they present information the audience must know, the protagonist's state of mind, in order to interpret the significance of the sloths, the swimming pool, the ocean, the ship, the orangutan, the tiger.

In essence, the novel is a map and the Telling opening is the legend. Without it, we could stumblingly navigate from point A to point B. With it, we see the riches and richness of the story as a whole.

'I shrugged. "I've thought about it. But I'm not sure it's such a great idea."

Laura looked puzzled. "But you and Ruth, you were so close."

"Yeah, I suppose so. But like with you, Laura. She and I weren't such great friends by the end."' – Kazuo Ishiguro, Never Let Me Go

Here, the importance of Telling dovetails with Dialogue Beats maintaining Pace and Tension. In other words, consider how this segment would change if we turned this into a 

Show:

Laura looked puzzled.

How do you know?

Because her brows drew together, her eyes narrowed, her lips pursed and she was silent for a moment before she said –

This Show drags the Pace by drawing the reader's focus to Laura's brows, eyes, lips, and the silence, when what the characters are saying (revealing through dialogue) is far more important. If Ishiguro had wanted to open that line to speculation and different interpretations, a Show would have been appropriate.

But the audience must know that how the protagonist perceived her own relationship with Ruth is different from how other people perceived it.

That Tell, Laura looked puzzled, emphasizes what Laura says next, and sets up that dialogue line to be interpreted in a specific way.

Lastly, let's take a look at The Namesake.

It’s written in Omni 3^rd, Present Tense, with years condensed into distant Telling summaries, and key minutes stretched out with Showing details.

One example that stands out is how Lahiri handles the protagonist's sex life.

'It is as Nikhil that he loses his virginity at a party at Ezra Stiles, with a girl wearing a plaid woolen skirt and combat boots and mustard tights.' – Jhumpa Lahiri, The Namesake.

Why Tell this, when loss of virginity is usually a significant coming-of-age moment?

Consider what we've covered about Telling: it imparts necessary information that the author wishes to convey with few or little interpretation. Here, it's a simple fact: Nikhil loses his virginity. In context, it's a statement hidden in an entire paragraph of new college experiences, as if it's a chore to check off on a list. Did we interpret this the way the author wanted?

A few pages later, we find:

'He recalled nothing from that episode, only being thankful, afterward, that he was no longer a virgin.' - Lahiri, The Namesake.

And there's Lahiri emphasizing what we already got from her Telling statement, just to be sure, because the next scene, with a different girl, is:

'He kisses them, kisses the moles scattered on her stomach as she arcs gently toward him, feels her hands on his head and then on his shoulders, guiding him between her parted legs.' - Lahiri, The Namesake

By Telling first, we have something to compare this Show scene to, and can interpret this scene as far more important to the protagonist than the loss of his virginity. This is the scene he wants to experience and remember, therefore this is the scene Lahiri Shows and slows with Details.

In your WIP (especially if you're trying to get under a word count!) find and condense tertiary showing scenes into narrative summary or key Telling statements.

Then, find and expand (with specific and unique Details!) scenes which would benefit from multiple interpretations. Like scenes that are:

1. Important to your main character(s).

2. Important to your plot.

3. Important to your themes.

 

Happy revising,

J

Coming up: 

I will be on vacation for the next two weeks. Then:

Characterization

Dialogue

Dialogue Tags

Passive

Jay Groce

Verbing

Robert Bevan

Sources for this post:
Life of Pi by Yann Martel, 2001.
Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro, 2005.
The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri, 2003.
Photos from and linked to IMDB.

Show Versus Tell Part 2

Show Versus Tell

Part 2: Tell

The comments: "This was redundant and repetitive and you said the same things in chapters 2, 5, 8, and 10." Or "It lacked sophistication." Or "The pace was eye-gougingly boring." Or "For f*ck's sake, get on with it already!"

What they mean: You might need to Tell more, Show less! 

What?!?!?! Is that even possible? Yes. It's also necessary. Why? We'll get to that in a little bit. 

The good news is, you probably already did a lot of telling in version one (ie, Rough Draft) of your awesome epic. But if you've been diligently seeking and replacing all versions of Tell with Show in your WIP, you might have gone a little overboard suffusing your story with details (a common pitfall of revision).

The result is a WIP bogged down by too much Show. Check that phrase: bogged down. Brings to mind an image of someone slogging through a bog, each step a struggle to pull against gravity, against the suck of thick muck and gnarled weeds.

Give the reader a rest with some Tell bits.

How, though? To understand it best, let's take a look at Why we should use Tell in favor of Show, and where this is appropriate in the story.

Let's put on our serious pants and review Show:

The journey was long and difficult.

How do you know? 

Because we had to leave the horses in the last village and continue on foot. Sharp stones from shattered boulders littered the cliff-side path. For a month we marched, burdened by food packs that we cursed while the rain-gorged ground threatened to crumble from beneath our feet and send us sliding to the blade-edge peaks of frozen water below.

Cool. Now why should we convert such a description into Tell?

If the character uses this path more than once, the next time we visit it could be summarized by Tell. Same goes for if most of the terrain is like this. We don't need to know how long and difficult the journey was every single time. 

Let's look at another instance:

Jason was a serial cheater.

How do you know?

Because when he was dating my friend Carla, he was cheating on her with Claire. Then when he was with Claire, he cheated on her with Brenda. Then when he was with Brenda, he cheated on her with Bill. 

How important was that list of names? How important is Jason in the story? The more you show about a character, the more important he seems. In fact, we could parse out that description to last half the story. Is half the story about Jason? Or is he simply coming in to reveal something important? If he has a bit part, give him a "bit" description.

Boil it down to exactly what the reader needs in order to understand his revelation in the correct light. If Jason is a serial cheater, then he might be a practiced liar. Which means I should hold what he has to say in my head, but prepare myself for the moment it might be proven false. And what a delightful surprise it would be if he's actually telling the truth! (There's your sophistication right there.)

So, second instance of Telling instead of Showing: The reader needs to Know something, rather than Feel it. You are presenting information that, for the purpose of your story, must be understood exactly the way you present it, with no room for alternate interpretations.

Let's do one more.

Countess Vanessa's house was immense. 

How do you know? 

Because each time I visited, I had to go through the atrium, which was so large a cottage could fit inside. Then I went through the front hall, which was so long, an entire barn could fit within. And then I had to go through the ballroom, which was so big and tall we could fit a football game within, including a few thousand spectators. Then I had to go through …

For the love of all that's holy, if I had to read paragraph after paragraph of this, I would insist you paid me by the hour because it would be work. How much of this information do I need to retain? 

I ask because of the implication that each scene is important. Otherwise, why would you include it? 

When you get to a Showing scene, ask yourself: is this scene necessary. 

Of course it is.

But ask yourself: Does this scene do more than one thing?

Does it:

Advance Plot?

Develop Character?

Introduce another meaning to an established Theme?

In other words, Does this scene do something different than the other scenes before it? 

If the answer is still a resounding Yes, then keep it as is. 

If it's a meek yes, then trust your instinct. You put the scene in for a reason. It's probably because something happens in a location or situation we've been in before and you need to move us to that location. Just Tell it!

We returned to Countess Vanessa's immense house.

When you're segueing from one Show instance to another Show instance, Telling imparts valuable information necessary to understand the next scene in the right light. But it also gives the reader's mind a necessary break. A Tell instance allows for passive absorption of information.

Yes, I said Passive. It's the slight lull between interactive Show scenes in which a reader can digest what happened just before, and get ready for what's about to occur. 

A Telling instance can also be a chance for you to reveal your narrator's thought process: "I was angry, but I grinned and laughed my way through the party." If your character must appear jovial, how would you Show the anger? 

Without a Telling summary or a Telling narrative, a story's pace of Show after Show can feel overwhelming. 

Here's the checklist for when Tell might be the better option:

1. To impart (solid, necessary, unarguable) information.

2. Summarize repeated movement or habits.

3. Control story's pace. 

Caveat! The Tell is only as important as what surrounds it. There's no formula or ratio like for every three Shows you must include one Tell. It's more a part of Pacing, controlling the heartbeat of your book. More often than not, a Beta reader will tell you about Pacing issues. Check that chapter or scene and see where your narrator can tell more, and you could show less. 

Have a great week!

J

Coming up: 

Characterization

Dialogue

Dialogue Tags

Passive

Jay Groce

Verbing

Robert Bevan