PACING

Pacing and Details

Or: The Pendulum

 

Warning: This post contains a scene which may be unsuitable for some readers. Skip Blue text. 

Comments: "Get on with it already!" Or "I totes skipped chapters 3, 5, 8, and 10." Or "This is eye-gougingly boring."

What they mean: Your pacing could use a little work.

At its simplest, pacing is the rate of activity or movement in a specified time. In other words, how much happened in one scene. 

If a scene has a lot of action, ie. a character does 8 different things in a few paragraphs, one could say that scene has a fast pace. If the character does only a few things, it might be called a slow-paced scene. This term is applicable to the entire book. 

Recall my post on Details? Details and Pacing have an intimate relationship: the quantity of one can directly affect the other. A lot of details can slow pacing to a grinding halt. Trying to pack a lot of action into a scene by omitting details can create a fast pace.

Think of it this way. The relationship between Story, Details, and Pacing is akin to a pendulum's movement. 

First, let's get on the same page about pendulums (as J understands them). The vertical axis represents potential energy. The horizontal axis it swings across represents speed. When the pendulum swings, you have variable potential energy vs. speed values. As the pendulum reaches its zenith on either end, it reaches points of maximum potential energy, zero speed (it stops so it can fall down again.) 

At its lowest point, the pendulum reaches maximum speed and a moment of zero potential energy (kind of.) 

Applied to writing, the vertical axis can be thought of as details. The horizontal axis is pace. As the pendulum (the story) swings up, you increase details, but the pendulum slows down until, at the zenith of its swing, you have infinite details and no movement. 

Like a ten-page chapter of nothing but narrative description. 

As the pendulum swings across the pacing axis, it sheds details in favor of speed until at its nadir, you have maximum pace (action) that almost defies description. 

Action happens so quickly, it seems sloppy and incoherent. 

Click to embiggen.

So it seems like that's just the way it's gotta be. Sacrifice one aspect in favor of the other at different points in your story. 

Action scenes are usually heavy on verbs and lean on descriptions. Narrative scenes are usually the opposite. And for the most part, a solid story uses a mix of the two to varying degrees based on genre. 

Notice how I'm waffling? 

This is where you come in. When you're writing your first draft, write it. (Personally, it feels like an exorcism.) 

Then during your first (or n^th) revision, find moments in your story to challenge the "action scenes must be fast" and "narrative scenes must be detailed" idea. But, you should have a solid idea of where and why and how much. 

Don't do it for the sake of adding details just to flesh out a scene. Manipulating pace, as with any other choice, should serve the character first, which will serve the story as a whole. 

Let's put our serious pants on.

Today, we're going to change this awfully generic action scene:

I strode across the pavement¹, grabbed her by the neck², and stabbed her in the back six times.³

 

1. Purposeful movement. Good.

2. Always weird when I come across this phrase (is it also weird I read this a LOT?). Seems like it could be tightened.

3. Dayum! Not just one stab but six? That's pretty specific. 

Overall, if framed by narrative leading up to the event, this reads fast and that's just fine.

But, does it need to read fast? 

What if:

a. this is the Protag's first murder?

b. the Protag has super powers?

c. the Protag has heightened awareness or senses?

d. the Protag has a different set of moral values or different way of thinking about such acts?

What if you have a scene that seems like it needs to be fast and detailed? 

Try manipulating:

1. Sentence length. Short sentences read faster than long ones.

2. Commas. Readers pause a beat at commas, which would slow the pace. Purposely omitted commas can be awesome but leave a reader feeling breathless though so use with care.  

3. Paragraph breaks. Many breaks can read fast. Few breaks, between large paragraphs, can read slow.

4. Repetition.

5. Rhythm and word length.

6. Dialogue.

7. Emdash.

Example:

I strode across the market square. Past sagging, dusty awnings melting in the heat. Past wide-hipped women in flared cotton skirts. Past hustlers and bustlers, woven yellow baskets on their heads, bread tucked into the crooks of their bare brown arms.

She was there on the corner, eating a candy bar. Its wrapping glinted silver like a tiny mirror flashing, blinding me, but her silhouette was burned on my eye like a black shadow on the sun, dancing away. Her back to me. Bare heels to me. 

I grabbed her neck with my left hand and turned her, embraced her. Oh, how the sun had warmed her skin and ripened the soapy smell of her neck! I breathed. She breathed. I stabbed.

The first stab was easy. Did I even – 

The second stab was quick as yanking the knife out again for the third stab. The knife caught on something inside her. It grated a tremor through my palm, shook my wrist, my forearm, my shoulder; scratching, like spreading butter on burned toast. It made me clench my jaw, grind my back teeth until a bittersweetness coated my tongue. 

I stared at the grease stain on the pavement behind her, shaped like a man. 

Not a stain but a shadow. Not a man but a guard. Watching me stab the woman, knife going in and coming out slick as dipping a wick. Three more times because it was easy, then I let her go. I turned away from the guard and the woman and headed back the way I came.

If this was the first time he did this, perhaps I'd slow it down even more by adding more details - five senses! Action-reaction! World-build!

Conversely, if this is the third or eighth time, perhaps shrink it down to just once sentence like the previous example. 

But! If this was the moment in which something pivotal happened - remorse, regret, someone decides to stop him (finally!), etc - perhaps I'd slow it down again. Or keep it fast? What if he was just one character in a book with six POVs? Or what if he's my only main character? What if this was in omniscient POV? What if this is supposed to be historical fiction? Narrative non-fiction? Romance? 

Lots of choices, but each choice must serve the story. 

In your WIP: Find scenes that are meaningful to your characters and see how you can manipulate the pace to highlight those scenes in your story. 

Happy Writing,

J

Next week: Interview with Brian Mumphrey, Artist.

Coming up:

Characterization

Dialogue Tags

Robert Bevan

Passive

DETAILS

DETAILS

Or: Pictures, or it didn't happen.

The comments: "This is totally generic." Or "This is boring." Or "I need more worldbuilding." 

What the comments mean: The story lacks (specific and unique) details.

Think of it this way: Pictures, or it didn't happen. Where's the proof?

In writing, you don't have the luxury of sharing a screenshot or instagram. The details you add to your descriptions supply that proof. When done well, you can prove your story happened. 

For example, when someone asks you, "Where were you last night?" 

How do you evade it? Easiest response would be vagueness. "I was out." Does this lead to the Questioner believing you, or not believing you?

More often, the vague response leads to: "Out where? With whom? Doing what?" The Questioner doesn't believe you and is asking for more proof. 

If you supply details as proof, the conversation might look like:

"Where were you last night?"

"I went to dinner with some work friends. We tried that new crepe place downtown. You know, the one on Castro Street. Across the street from the pet store with the giant gourami up front. It was so crowded though, we had to wait like, half an hour for a table."

"Oh yeah. I know that place."

Details gave the explanation truth (perhaps not the truth), just as they can in your writing. But! The details must be specific and unique. It was a crepe place, not a random restaurant. On Castro Street, not some random location. 

Paying attention to specificity and uniqueness in your WIP will help you:

1. Make your characters memorable.

2. Build a solid pocket universe.

3. Avoid clichés like the plague.

4. Make your story stand out.

Details convince a reader to believe you. Don't be evasive, coy, or vague. That leads to distrust. 

Now, if you're sure you're using enough descriptions, perhaps you're describing the wrong things. 

Describe through your characters. Treat it like one of those body-switching or suddenly-teen movie moments, and your protagonist is trying to convince the reader that s/he is who s/he claims to be: the hero, the saint, the World's Greatest Lover, the unstoppable evil. How? By describing things only s/he would know or notice. That's how s/he'll establish his truth, and that's how you'll establish yours.

Let's put our serious pants on and deconstruct an example from a limited 3^rd POV with Wood Priestess Anna as our Protagonist:

When his name was called¹ Shi came forward, tossing his curly ebony locks², and bowed. He was tall³ and handsome⁴, with a gleaming sword⁵ at his side.⁶

1. This can be shown better.

2. Kill me now; "tossing his ebony locks?" First of all, who is he tossing these locks to? Secondly, purple prose cliché! Thirdly, whenever you're tempted to use "locks" to describe hair, understand why. Because it's been done so often that color + "locks" seems like the accepted way to describe hair – ebony locks, gold locks, scarlet locks. Do you want to be like everyone else, or do you want to stand out? (Second answer is correct.) 

3. As tall as what? This reveals almost nothing about the character being described or the POV character. What does tall mean in the story's pocket universe?

4. Same goes for handsome. Whose judgment is this? The POV character's? The writer's? Is this something you want the reader to feel about the character being described? Then give that character details that have meaning to the POV or main character. 

5. Gleaming? That's it? That's all I get about the sword?!

6. Overall, this is adequate for introducing someone who'll probably die soon.

Let's chisel him out of the crowd and breathe some life into him:

     The clarion bellowed the next person's name. "Shi Bautista!"

     Shi strutted forward¹ then bent at the waist in what barely qualified as a bow. He was taller than the other Genians by at least a head, though shorter than any man, even most women, in the abbey hall². With a wry grin and his sharp chin tilted up, he scornfully surveyed the room³. The sword at his side, secured to a low-slung belt by faded, knotted ribbons, slept in an ink-stained scabbard of cracked leather⁴.

     Anna leaned forward, body still and taught as a drawn bowstring⁵. Their eyes met and a strange tingle warmed her chest.

1. Specific and unique: Shi doesn't just "come forward." He struts.

2. When describing something that can be measured (ie. tall, wide) compare it to something relevant to the POV character.  Again, specific and unique. I have no f*cking idea how tall a Genian is but apparently, my POV character does. 

3. Have you ever been to a party where you didn't know anyone, and the hostess takes you around the room introducing you to people? Who did you remember? What specific and unique details made indelible impressions in your memory? Crooked nose, overplucked brows, lopsided grin, sadly sparse soul patch? Find those qualities in your characters and those details will separate your Super Spesh character from every other sidekick, Love Interest, and antagonist. 

4. Specific and unique. What does the state of his sword and scabbard reveal about him? Who uses ribbons to tie on a sword, for f*ck's sake? Why are there ink stains on his scabbard? And why is the leather cracked? Anna notices these details – which implies they're significant. The more details you add, the more important something seems. So for the love of all that's holy, don't spend too many details describing "the crowd" or "the room" or "the forest" or "the stranger" unless you intend to use them in a significant manner. 

5. And here's more "proof" that Anna thinks this is a significant moment. Character reactions (action or thought) will reveal what they think, and figuring this out is better than being told. Which is more satisfying: hearing your friend say "That librarian is so hot." Or watching your friend fidget, stammer, stumble, turn red, turn pale, or run away whenever the hot librarian is in sight and figuring it out for yourself? 

In your WIP: Replace the generic with specific and unique details. Caveat! Too many details can slow your pace. Beta readers would be helpful in pointing out where you need more/better details, and where to choose pace in favor of it. 

Happy writing,

J

Coming up: 

Pacing

Brian Mumphrey

Flat vs. Round Characters

Robert Bevan

Dialogue Tags

FILTERING

FILTERING

Or: He felt the knife slide across his throat.

The comments: "Your characters are boring." Or "This feels very distant." Or "I couldn't get into it." Or "You're filtering."

What they mean: You're filtering. 

Since many people have just finished Nanowrimo's month of intensive writing, let's focus on an easy blunder to spot and eliminate. Sensory filtering.

The simplest way to describe it is you're using sensual verbs. No, not smexy verbs, verbs that describe the act of receiving information through one of the five senses, the most common of which are: Saw, Heard, Tasted, Felt, and Smelled. 

Here's why they need to go. In your super special work of art, whatever genre it is, you've created a pocket universe. The main goal of your descriptions is to immerse the reader so deeply in this universe that the reader believes your story could totally happen. Or better; the reader lives your story.

When you use a filtering verb, you're reminding the reader that they are reading a story, and not living it. 

Have you ever sat in a theater, watching a Summer Blockbuster, when something – a really stupid line, one of the actors is just awful, or the explosion was a second later than it should have been – jolted you out of the drama and you thought "Man, these chairs are f*cking uncomfortable." 

A filtering verb does the same thing. 

Example: A limited 3^rd POV with Fey Hunter Jack as our Main Character:

   Jack and Priya walked through the false twilight made by L.A. fog. The scant light cast a melancholy orange glow to the hazy streets. Wavering purple shadows crawled out of black alleys and clung to the skyscrapers.

   "This place smells like the boys' locker room," said Priya. Her voice sounded husky in the strange air.

   Jack sniffed. "Sweaty feet, old piss, and backed-up toilets?" He grinned. "Means we're in Fey territory. Oberon should be close."

   "Good."

   Jack heard her load a can of soda into her modified shotgun. He looked at her and saw she had a determined smile across her tired features.

   "Fey trails," she said, pointing at the broken pavement.

   Jack squinted and saw the faintly glimmering path as if a giant snail had meandered down the street. He recalled the first time he'd seen such markings. Bozu, his old mentor, had compared it to a trail left by a… well, it was a distasteful joke and the desire to share it died under Priya's hard gaze.

   "So we gonna go get'em?" she asked. "Or is the brave Fey Hunter quaking in his oh so rugged and stylishly hipster Hush Puppies?"  

   "I was tacticionizing," said Jack. He started to insult her back but he heard a growl come from a nearby alley.

Let's put our serious pants on and deconstruct:

   Jack and Priya walked strode¹ through the false twilight made by L.A. fog. The scant light cast a melancholy orange glow to the hazy streets. Wavering purple shadows crawled out of black alleys and clung to the skyscrapers.

   "This place smells² like the boys' locker room," said Priya. Her voice sounded husky in the strange air.

   Jack sniffed. "Sweaty feet, old piss, and backed-up toilets?" He grinned. "Means we're in Fey territory. Oberon should be close."

   "Good."

   Jack heard her load a can of soda into her modified shotgun. The can of soda she loaded into her gun clunked and screeched as it slid down the barrel.³ He looked at her and saw she had a determined smile across her tired features. A determined smile stretched across her tired features.⁴

   "Fey trails," she said, pointing at the broken pavement.

   Jack squinted and saw the faintly glimmering path. as if It looked like a giant snail had meandered down the street. He recalled the first time he'd seen such markings.⁵ The first time he'd seen such markings, Bozu, his old mentor, had compared it to a trail left by a… well, it was a distasteful joke, and the desire to share it died under Priya's hard gaze.

   "So we gonna go get'em?" she asked. "Or is the brave Fey Hunter quaking in his oh so rugged and stylishly hipster Hush Puppies?" 

   "I was tacticionizing," said Jack. He started to insult her back but he heard a growl come from a nearby alley. "And your boots are –"

   A deep growl came from the alley to his left.⁶

1. Recall my foreshadowing post? Whenever simply moving a character, either make the movement count, or don't say it at all.

2. This was one of the words I listed as filtering. Am I going to change it here? No. Priya, not Jack-the-POV-character, is the first one who smells it. Since this is limited 3^rd POV, Jack can't read her mind. Therefore, she must reveal this information in dialogue. Maybe it's significant. Also, what else do I show by what she chooses to compare it to. What does that reveal about their world, their relationship. Their age?  

3. The focus is on Jack hearing. Not what he is hearing. Here, filtering is doubly awful because it ignores something special about this world. Guns that use cans of soda for ammo. Which is more awesome: watching Jack hear something? Or hearing the sound the can makes as it slides into the gun?

4. Redundant. Of course he's looking at her if he saw her. More importantly, again, the focus is on Jack looking and seeing, not what he saw. The text reminds the reader that s/he is looking at Jack looking at something else, not being inside Jack, seeing through his eyes. Which would you think: The dog just ate that slug. Or: I saw the dog just ate that slug. 

5. "Recall" is another filtering word. You might be trying to signal a memory or flashback with it, but it's unnecessary. When remembering something, do you start the thought with "I remember this one time…." Or do you just remember it: "First time we roasted a giant…" 

6. Whenever your character "starts" to do something, change to just describing what the character is doing. The word "start" reminds the reader of the story and not the action. The equivalent of tapping a reader on the shoulder, it f*cks with a story's chronological structure and exaggerates that what's about to happen was not happening before and might be interrupted. 

In your WIP: Seek and destroy (most) filtering words. Caveat! Sometimes your Protags do need to have a look around, remember something vital, or dialogue about what they're experiencing.

"In the darkness, I felt around for my dagger."

"Through the telepathic link, I tasted the muffin."

"In the time portal, I saw myself as a young man, hitting on my own grandmother."

But! "He felt the knife slide across his throat." Versus: "The knife sliced through his throat." Or better: "The woman slashed. A hot sting burned across his throat." 

 

Lastly, let's thank American author Janet Burroway for the term "filtering" in application to writing. For further reading on this and other techniques, her book Writing Fiction: A Guide to Narrative Craft is available on Amazon. 

Happy writing,

J

Coming up:

Details 

Pacing

Robert Bevan

Characterization

Brian Mumphrey