Dialogue Part 4

DIALOGUE PART 4

Or: Answering Without Answering

The comments: "Dialogue bits were eye-gougingly boring." Or "TMI, dude. TMI." Or "I couldn't put my finger on why the story felt too formal."

What they might mean: You could prune and amend your dialogue scenes more. 

This week, we're going to apply everything in the dialogue module to a sample to see how the components work together.

Here's a refresher of the past three weeks:

Part 1:Dialogue Tags & Adverbs

Part 2:Using the Character's name too much in speech & Infologuing (Infodumpsdisguised as dialogue)

Part 3:Speech Uniqueness & Character Motivation

Also, a refresher of what a Character 5x5 is and how to use it might be handy.

Let's put on our serious pants and deconstruct a horribly generic sample:

While I put¹ the rest of my clothes into the bag², my dad appeared at my bedroom door.

"I was going to take your car to get detailed, Bernie³," he said ominously⁴, "when I noticed you didn't have your proof of insurance in the secret flap over the windshield."

"Oh that can't be right, Dad,⁵" I said. "You gave it to me a month ago and I put it in there."

"Well, Bernie⁶, it wasn't there," he answered⁷. "You and I both know⁸ that document protects you monetarily in case you get into an accident."

"Ok, Dad, I might have forgotten where exactly I put in inside the car," I admitted⁹.

"Your Uncle Marty forgot his proof of insurance during his family vacation last December, Bernie," dad replied¹⁰. "He got pulled over and the cop said he had to return to Nevada within 24 hours to show proof of insurance or he'd get a fine, Bernie."

"Oh yes, Dad, I remember that story,¹¹" I said.

"And as you know¹², Bernie, your mom got pulled over on Latham and the cop asked for her proof of insurance and she couldn't remember where it was either. I had to stand in line for over an hour at the DMV."

"That must have been incredibly irritating, Dad," I said sarcastically¹³.

"And if you're ever in an accident and the cops come, Bernie, the person without proof of insurance is automatically at fault," my dad said peevishly. "So having it in the car is important at all times¹⁴, Bernie."

"I agree,¹⁵" I agreed.

***

1.    We can do better than this weak verb.

2.    Be specific and unique.

3.    Using a character's name in dialogue. This one's iffy. If it's the first time we get the POV character's name, I'd actually keep to dribble in the information.

4.    I'd cut this "ominously" unless I've already established that any time the protag's dad interferes with the car, something bad happens.

5.    The audience can infer that the POV character, Bernie, is talking to his dad. Also, who the fuck talks like this?

6.    Ok, now the names in dialogue are just going to be annoying. Start culling.

7.    What the dad says is already an answer. No need to be redundant and actually say in narrative that he "answered."

8.    Classic indication that an infodump is about to happen. If all the characters speaking already know what's about to be said, no need to bludgeon the reader over the head with it.

9.    What Bernie says is already admitting something, thus "admitted" is redundant. Also, he should stop saying "Dad" because it's obvious who he's talking to.

10. The dad saying something back is already a reply. "replied" is redundant.

11. Lordy, just shoot me now. This POV character sounds like a puppet saying whatever needs to be said to get the dialogue moving towards the point.

12. Another classic phrase indicating an impending infodump.

13. Ok, I could make a case for keeping "sarcastically" to show that the character means more than what he's saying. But, I could instead tweak what he says so it sounds more true to life without having to filterwhat he says with the word "sarcastically."

14. The whole scene basically says this. Why spell it out?

15. Three things wrong with this last line: A. who says "I agree?" this easily, especially to parents? B. POV character says something agreeable, which means "I agreed" is completely redundant. C. Any tension in that scene just escaped through these words.

Let's tweak the scene to make it palatable. This time, let's try to answer without explicitly answering by staying true to what the characters would say, how they would say it, what they would talk about, and just as importantly, what they can't personally talk about.

We'll also cull the infodumps, repetitive adverbs, and names which are taking up precious story real estate and bring in some lines more worthy of word count.

I was shoving my favorite jeans into the trash bag I was using as a suitcase when my dad knocked on the doorframe.

"Bernie," he said. "I wanted to get your car detailed but I couldn't find your proof of insurance. I thought I told you to always keep it in that flap over the windshield."

"It's there," I said.

"No it's not," he said.

"It's in there somewhere."

"Your Uncle Marty forgot his proof of insurance last December. He got pulled over and the cop said he had to return to Nevada within 24 hours to show proof of insurance or he'd get a fine."

"And he had to drive five hundred miles in the snow, overnight," I said. "Uphill both ways."

"Your mom got pulled over on Latham and the cop asked for her proof of insurance and she couldn't remember where it was. I had to stand in line for over an hour at the DMV to show them the form."

"And the Bruins lost that afternoon because you weren't yelling at the TV to make sure they ran in the right direction," I said.

"Listen to me!" he said. "If, God forbid, you're ever in an accident, you'll need to show proof of insurance or you'll have to pay no matter who hit who. Last I checked, you had five dollars in your account. Who do you think gets to pay for it, on top of paying for your tuition at that goddamn hippie college?"

I clenched my jaw, shamed into silence.

Dad cleared his throat. "Anyway, I'll call Renato and have him fax over another copy. Make sure you put it in, okay? I'm going to take your car to get a tune-up and check the tires. After that I'll get'er detailed. So if you need to go out for any last minute things, take your mom's car."

He looked at me like he was waiting for me to thank him or something, then got all red-faced and left.

"Love you too, Dad," I muttered.

***

That "shamed into silence" part might be overkill for some readers. I'd let a few betas look at it and see what they say.

Hopefully the tweaked version gives a better idea of the internal conflicts motivating the dad to talk about proof of insurance in this particular scene, and how the POV character takes what's being said versus how a reader might see the interactions between them as a whole.

Next week, we'll wrap up the Dialogue Module with a guest post by Indie Author, Robert Bevan. 

Happy Writing and Revising!

J (follow me on twitter! @joanwip) 

Coming Up:

More Dialogue

Passive

Verbing

Robert Bevan 

Nat Russo

If you'd like my take on a writerly subject, tweet me! 

Dialogue Part 3

DIALOGUE PART 3

Or: "Who said whatnow?" 

 

The comments: "Your characters all sound generic/the same." Or "I can't tell people apart when they're talking." Or "Your dialogue scenes are eye-gougingly boring."

What they might mean:

1)    Some, if not all, of your characters talk with a similar vocabulary and sentence structure.

2)    Some, if not all, of your dialogue scenes lack tension.

Let's pull on our serious pants early this week because we're wading into the deeper end of the "Dialogue Revision" Pool. This part of my Dialogue Module might require complete rewrites of your scenes or a literal re-vision of your plot.

To address Point 1, answer these questions: Do you have more than one character in your story? Yes.

Do your characters speak to each other in dialogue scenes? Yes.

Now the most important part: Are your characters clones of each other. Like, seriously, clones that were born/hatched at the same time, raised in the same way, want the same exact thing? No?

Ok, then why do they all sound alike?

Here's where it can get a little tricky. When you're reading your own WIP, you can hear the characters' voices in your head. However, the characters' Voices may all look and sound the same to your readers. (An experienced Beta will pinpoint this quickly, a casual reader may not, but may feel there's something "off" about your dialogue scenes.)

The way to spot it on your own WIP is to take a big chunk of early dialogue and look only at the words the characters say. Try to pick a chunk with only two speakers.

Next, remove the dialogue attribution tags.

Now, can you easily tell who is speaking which lines?

If you can, awesome. If not, tweak the sample. Now would be a good time for those Character 5x5s from the Character Module!

With the Character 5x5s (or whatever Character Bible you're using) pick apart each line of dialogue.

Does each line reflect the Character's background of education, birthplace, reason for being in the story? Are you using words the Character would have picked up at some point? Did you put the words together the way the character would? Did you make the Character sound like a stereotype or a genre trope?

Here's an example of one dialogue line tweaked to reflect information from four different Character 5x5s:

"I want you to steal the next load of slaves and get them ready for the party."

"Procure the shipment, would you? And please make sure they're appropriately dressed for the gala."

"Snatch the next batch of hodads and paint'em up for the hoedown."

"Reappropriate the incoming cargo. Tonight, they should look like low-hanging fruit to besieged peasants."

For your WIP, check your dialogue scenes for how true you stay to the Characters you created. 

Now let's look at Part 2: Lack of tension in dialogue scenes.

This is most likely due to one simple thing, which unfortunately might not be simple to fix:

Each Character speaking should have his or her or its own motive for saying what they say, when they say it.

Buckle down, pen in hand, and examine an early 2-person scene. Let's call them Bob and Andromeda.

If Bob and Andromeda are talking in a scene, that dialogue scene must first fulfill the basic reasons for inclusion:

Does it:

1)    Develop the characters.

2)    Move the plot forward.

3)    Reinforce/develop the themes.

Ideally, the dialogue scene must fill all three requirements to justify its existence. If not, it should be spectacularly strong in two aspects. If only in one, see if you can work it in another way because it would be the first thing on the chopping block for me.

Next, take a look at the scene from your Main Character's perspective. Let's say it's Bob. Does Bob want something from Andromeda? (Answer should be an easy yes. His motive should be fairly clear to the reader because his stake in the conversation becomes the reader's stake in the conversation.)

Now, take a look at the scene from the secondary character's perspective, Andromeda. Does Andromeda want something from Bob? In other words, does Andromeda have a stake in how the conversation ends? This is the sticking point. Finding Andromeda's motive. Could be as simple as not wanting to talk. Could be as complex as trying to hide  her involvement in Bob's horse's murder.

Andromeda's motive must exist and be clear to you, the writer, but doesn't have to be crystal clear to the reader. In fact, as a reader, most of the fun I experience with dialogue scenes is trying to figure out why the fuck people don't just say what they know or what they're hiding, or trying to figure out what they want from the MC. But it's the writer's job to find the sweet spot between showing enough of the secondary character's motivation to make the scene interesting, and showing too much and rendering the conversation too convenient for plot.

In your WIP, if you find a dialogue scene where tension falls or levels off, make sure each person speaking has a personal reason for speaking or resisting.

Also, if you find that some dialogue scenes boil down to a "Question and Answer" session, see if you can weave what the MC finds out into action, introspection, internal monologue or narration, or narrative worldbuilding.

Here's how these two aspects of dialogue come together in your WIP:

Great dialogue is like a symphony. Each character's voice is a specific instrument, and each character has a unique part. Even when several instruments are layered together, you can still hear the violin, the clarinet, the flute or piano. But it's harder to hear the differences between instruments, and therefore, the beauty of the piece, if they're playing the same melody at the same time.

Happy Writing and Revising!

J (follow me on twitter! @joanwip) 

Coming Up:

More Dialogue

Passive

Verbing

Robert Bevan 

Nat Russo

If you'd like my take on a writerly subject, tweet me! 

Dialogue Part 1

DIALOGUE PART 1

Or: "How y'all doing today?" she smiled sweetly.

Comments: "Pace is slow in dialogues." Or "Try showing instead of telling in dialogues."

What they might mean: Your dialogue attributions are dragging a scene's pace or sapping a scene's tension.

Dialogue attribution is how you let the reader know who is speaking which line.

For example: "Kill the traitor," said Jub.

The bolded part is the dialogue attribution.

You might have run across this bit of writerly advice: (Always) use "said" instead of alternatives like: shouted, whispered, grunted, hissed, hinted, questioned, replied, asked, etc.

The most common reason for this advice is that "said" is so prevalent and commonly used, it's virtually invisible. It's like a subliminal link between what is said and who says it.

When an alternative is used, it takes a bit of extra brain power to process how something is said.

Frex: "Kill the traitor," shouted Jub.

Instead, try using punctuation: "Kill the traitor!" said Jub.

Now, if you've run across that "said vs alternative words" tip, you might also have found the "said + adverb warning."

That looks like "(Always) use said without an adverb in dialogue attributions."

Frex: "Save my horse," said Mell beseechingly.

Or worse: "Save my horse," Mell shouted beseechingly (excitedly, worriedly, etc).

Why is this such a sin?

Apart from the added words (which can drag the pace) what's happening is a bit of telling instead of showing.

Let's put our serious pants on.

Some months ago, I blogged about show versus tell and put forth some reasons why one or the other would better serve a story in particular scenes. In dialogue, you might think you're showing conflict in the scene, but when you use too many adverbs, you're telling the reader things.

Let's revisit -ly and its role in show vs tell:

When you come across an -ly word in your dialogue attributes, can you ask "How do you know?"

Example: "I hate you," Doug said angrily.

How do you know he said it angrily?

Because he punched the wall, or scowled, or did any number of things to show his anger.

The fact that you can ask the "How do you know?" prompt and get a "Because" response reveals that you can still change that sentence into a showing piece. But putting the show after Doug's actual statement is still a bit of tell.

Why?

Because you're telling the reader second-hand in formation.

What the character says is simply what the character says. When you add a description after the fact, you're offering an interpretation relayed and filtered by the narrator. By the fact that such a description exists, you're also framing the character's words in a way that it should be interpreted. Useful, yes. But not always necessary or beneficial.

A real world example of how annoying this added telling can be is to think of the "said alternatives" or "said + word with -ly" as having a backseat driver.

Most people who drive can do it adequately. But a backseat driver, for reasons known only to them, has a compulsion to comment on everything.

"In half a mile, you're going to turn right," said Kim, the leprechaun.

"Got it," said Bob, the unicorn.

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"You're shifting too hard. And you're too close to that car."

"No I'm not," said Bob.

"You're going too fast."

"I'm going the speed limit."

"This street's a speed trap," said Kim. "You're gonna get a ticket. And you should signal when you're going to merge."

"There was no one in this lane," said Bob.

"Slow down, we're coming to an intersection."

"I know. Light's still green."

"Stale green. Gonna turn yellow," said Kim. "Get ready to stop."

"We'll make it."

"Speed up then."

"You just told me to slow down!" 

Having dialogue attributions other than said, or modified by an adverb, is much like telling the reader things they might have already gleaned from the situation in the scene or from the character's statement. It can get annoying, and it can feel like you don't trust the reader to figure it out on their own. 

But! if you feel that adding an adverb is necessary, it can be an indication that what has been written in the dialogue isn't as clear as it could be.

In your WIP:

Try putting the essence of the -ly word into the character's statement, not after it.

Here's our example again:

"I hate you," Doug said angrily.

Try changing it with punctuation: "I hate you!" said Doug.

I think we can do better. If we're writing a fantasy piece, maybe we can give Doug some voice: "I loathe you!" said Doug.

Or how about putting that angry hate in subtext in a contemporary piece: "I see you again, I'll mess you up so bad they gotta pick you up with a wetvac," said Doug.

Caveat:

Sometimes, using a word other than "said" can help add meaning to what the character actually says:

"I hate you," Doug whispered. If this is he only time I see a word other than "said" in the whole damn scene, I'm going to see its significance, wonder why he's suddenly whispering, maybe even have my mind blown at what's being implied.

But remember: "Said" is a verb. Make sure what you're replacing it with is a verb which can be used logically with spoken communication. In other words, can you whisper, shout, yell, hint, spit, growl, hiss, laugh, smile, or frown a statement?

When in doubt, try it out. 

"I hate you," he frowned.

"I love you," she smiled. 

"You simpering slut," she hissed.

"Run, cowards!" he roared.

"I know all the cool kids," she simpered.

"That pie was delicious!" he said.

 Which worked?

Happy writing and revising! 

J

Coming Up!

More Dialogue

Passive

Verbing

Robert Bevan 

Nat Russo