Dialogue Part 2

DIALOGUE PART 2

Or: "As you know, Bob..."

The Comments: "Oh my god, this is eye-gougingly boring." Or "You're infologuing, dude." Or "Stop assuming I'm stupid."

What they might mean:

1.    You're using a character's name too often in dialogue.

2.    You're trying to hide your infodumping in dialogue (hence, my phrase: infologuing.)

Let's put our serious pants on and tackle that first one, because it'll be easy to spot in your WIP.

How often do you use a character's name in your dialogue lines? Especially when there are only two people in a scene, or two people in a conversation.

It might look like:

"I can't believe you just said that, Agnes," said Gordo. "You were at the party too."

"I left early, Gordo," said Agnes. "Way before the poop hit the fan."

"Then I think you instigated it, Agnes. Why else would you have been there in the first place?"

"I was invited, Gordo. Silly little fur-trimmed envelope."

This type of back and forth makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a claw hammer. Why?

1.    The constant naming of who is talking and who they're talking to implies that I'm too stupid to keep this straight in my head. There are two people for glob's sake. It's not hard.

2.    The extra syllables, the forced comma pauses, the repetitive rhythm all contribute to sapping the scene of tension. Go back and read the sample again. Feel that comma pause and lull every time you have to read a character's name?

3.    The worst crime: having the characters say the name of who they're talking to is like purple prose in that it calls attention to the person's name, not what's going on in the story, not what's being said. It's a reminder that the reader is reading a story, not living it.

Caveat! There are good reasons to use a person's name in dialogue, though, so don't go hog wild cutting them out.

The two main reasons for doing this are:

1.    Refresh the reader's knowledge of which line belongs to which character. (self-explanatory).

2.    Manipulate focus. What this means is to have a speaking character use another character's name with a specific purpose, like intimidation - "Don't toy with me, Agnes"; revealing secret knowledge by calling the character a name they, or the reader, doesn't know the other person knows or whatever; or to imply what comes next may have multiple interpretations but the character being addressed should interpret it in a specific way, etc.

Let's improve our example. Here's the original.

"I can't believe you just said that, Agnes," said Gordo. "You were at the party too."

"I left early, Gordo," said Agnes. "Way before the poop hit the fan."

"Then I think you instigated it, Agnes. Why else would you have been there in the first place?"

"I was invited, Gordo. Silly little fur-trimmed envelope."

Here it is, tweaked by taking out unnecessary name mentions:

"I can't believe you just said that," said Gordo. "You were at the party too."

"I left early," said Agnes. "Way before the poop hit the fan."

"You must have said something, done something, to set them off. Lord, Agnes, I should've kicked you out soon as I saw your pasty-ass shins coming down the stairs."

She slunk towards him. "As long as those silly little fur-trimmed invitations keep showing up in my mailbox, I'll keep...coming."

Now let's tackle Infologuing (infodump disguised as dialogue.) AKA, "As you know,Bob" syndrome.

This is usually found, but not restricted to, Fantasy and Science Fiction. It's an attempt to insert an infodump, information that's not necessarily apropos of anything in the scene, in order to worldbuild or give the reader knowledge that seems necessary.

It looks like:

Doc Jenyu filled the beaker with acid and said, "As you know, Bob, the molecular composition of Bromites makes them disintegrate in water."

Or: "You and I both know the Carmelians won't accept a truce," said Lord Nefario.

See the bolded words? If those or a variant show up in your WIP, it's a signal you're infologuing.

Here's where it gets tricky. You could try just cutting them, but it's like putting a bandaid on a deep puncture wound; you're only covering the bigger issue.

An "As you know, Bob" in your rough drafts was an effort to educate the reader of things the POV character and the speaker already know. It's usually a well-known fact in your WIP's universe. While writing, you may have been conscious enough not to dump the info in a block of narrative but now it's in the dialogue.

When you come to a section like this, ask yourself - Does it:

1)    develop the character

2)    move the plot forward

3)    reinforce a theme

4)    belong in conversation

5)    sound like the character

6)    sound like a conversation these particular characters would have

There are a few ways to get around this, and changing the dialogue can actually strengthen the scene's tension.

For example, if it's common knowledge in your world, there might be a way to show it.

Doc Jenyu filled the beaker with acid and said, "As you know, Bob, the molecular composition of Bromites makes them disintegrate in water."

 - Maybe the POV character can witness this, or take great pains to keep a Bromite away from water. (That is, if this information is absolutely necessary to understand/be immersed in your pocket universe. Otherwise, cut the whole mention of Bromites and water.)

Another more involved but commonly used method is to have a young character learn about your WIP's universe from a mentor or worldly peer. Think Harry Potter learning from Hagrid and the Weasleys. Or the kid characters learning from tutors in Game of Thrones.

If you can't add these scenes to your word count, think of your POV character as the mentor, internally commenting and maybe judging the ways of his/her/its world.

Caveat! Sometimes it's beneficial to use phrases like "You and I both know this ain't gonna fly."

Again, though, be conscious of using it to highlight the moment, perhaps highlight the futility and frustration of knowing something is true, but hoping for a different outcome.

Happy Writing and Revising!

J (follow me on twitter! @joanwip) 

Coming Up:

More Dialogue

Passive

Verbing

Robert Bevan 

Nat Russo

If you'd like my take on a writerly subject, tweet me! 

DETAILS

DETAILS

Or: Pictures, or it didn't happen.

The comments: "This is totally generic." Or "This is boring." Or "I need more worldbuilding." 

What the comments mean: The story lacks (specific and unique) details.

Think of it this way: Pictures, or it didn't happen. Where's the proof?

In writing, you don't have the luxury of sharing a screenshot or instagram. The details you add to your descriptions supply that proof. When done well, you can prove your story happened. 

For example, when someone asks you, "Where were you last night?" 

How do you evade it? Easiest response would be vagueness. "I was out." Does this lead to the Questioner believing you, or not believing you?

More often, the vague response leads to: "Out where? With whom? Doing what?" The Questioner doesn't believe you and is asking for more proof. 

If you supply details as proof, the conversation might look like:

"Where were you last night?"

"I went to dinner with some work friends. We tried that new crepe place downtown. You know, the one on Castro Street. Across the street from the pet store with the giant gourami up front. It was so crowded though, we had to wait like, half an hour for a table."

"Oh yeah. I know that place."

Details gave the explanation truth (perhaps not the truth), just as they can in your writing. But! The details must be specific and unique. It was a crepe place, not a random restaurant. On Castro Street, not some random location. 

Paying attention to specificity and uniqueness in your WIP will help you:

1. Make your characters memorable.

2. Build a solid pocket universe.

3. Avoid clichés like the plague.

4. Make your story stand out.

Details convince a reader to believe you. Don't be evasive, coy, or vague. That leads to distrust. 

Now, if you're sure you're using enough descriptions, perhaps you're describing the wrong things. 

Describe through your characters. Treat it like one of those body-switching or suddenly-teen movie moments, and your protagonist is trying to convince the reader that s/he is who s/he claims to be: the hero, the saint, the World's Greatest Lover, the unstoppable evil. How? By describing things only s/he would know or notice. That's how s/he'll establish his truth, and that's how you'll establish yours.

Let's put our serious pants on and deconstruct an example from a limited 3^rd POV with Wood Priestess Anna as our Protagonist:

When his name was called¹ Shi came forward, tossing his curly ebony locks², and bowed. He was tall³ and handsome⁴, with a gleaming sword⁵ at his side.⁶

1. This can be shown better.

2. Kill me now; "tossing his ebony locks?" First of all, who is he tossing these locks to? Secondly, purple prose cliché! Thirdly, whenever you're tempted to use "locks" to describe hair, understand why. Because it's been done so often that color + "locks" seems like the accepted way to describe hair – ebony locks, gold locks, scarlet locks. Do you want to be like everyone else, or do you want to stand out? (Second answer is correct.) 

3. As tall as what? This reveals almost nothing about the character being described or the POV character. What does tall mean in the story's pocket universe?

4. Same goes for handsome. Whose judgment is this? The POV character's? The writer's? Is this something you want the reader to feel about the character being described? Then give that character details that have meaning to the POV or main character. 

5. Gleaming? That's it? That's all I get about the sword?!

6. Overall, this is adequate for introducing someone who'll probably die soon.

Let's chisel him out of the crowd and breathe some life into him:

     The clarion bellowed the next person's name. "Shi Bautista!"

     Shi strutted forward¹ then bent at the waist in what barely qualified as a bow. He was taller than the other Genians by at least a head, though shorter than any man, even most women, in the abbey hall². With a wry grin and his sharp chin tilted up, he scornfully surveyed the room³. The sword at his side, secured to a low-slung belt by faded, knotted ribbons, slept in an ink-stained scabbard of cracked leather⁴.

     Anna leaned forward, body still and taught as a drawn bowstring⁵. Their eyes met and a strange tingle warmed her chest.

1. Specific and unique: Shi doesn't just "come forward." He struts.

2. When describing something that can be measured (ie. tall, wide) compare it to something relevant to the POV character.  Again, specific and unique. I have no f*cking idea how tall a Genian is but apparently, my POV character does. 

3. Have you ever been to a party where you didn't know anyone, and the hostess takes you around the room introducing you to people? Who did you remember? What specific and unique details made indelible impressions in your memory? Crooked nose, overplucked brows, lopsided grin, sadly sparse soul patch? Find those qualities in your characters and those details will separate your Super Spesh character from every other sidekick, Love Interest, and antagonist. 

4. Specific and unique. What does the state of his sword and scabbard reveal about him? Who uses ribbons to tie on a sword, for f*ck's sake? Why are there ink stains on his scabbard? And why is the leather cracked? Anna notices these details – which implies they're significant. The more details you add, the more important something seems. So for the love of all that's holy, don't spend too many details describing "the crowd" or "the room" or "the forest" or "the stranger" unless you intend to use them in a significant manner. 

5. And here's more "proof" that Anna thinks this is a significant moment. Character reactions (action or thought) will reveal what they think, and figuring this out is better than being told. Which is more satisfying: hearing your friend say "That librarian is so hot." Or watching your friend fidget, stammer, stumble, turn red, turn pale, or run away whenever the hot librarian is in sight and figuring it out for yourself? 

In your WIP: Replace the generic with specific and unique details. Caveat! Too many details can slow your pace. Beta readers would be helpful in pointing out where you need more/better details, and where to choose pace in favor of it. 

Happy writing,

J

Coming up: 

Pacing

Brian Mumphrey

Flat vs. Round Characters

Robert Bevan

Dialogue Tags

PURPLE PROSE

PURPLE PROSE

Or: The Pitfalls of Pleasing Yourself

The comments: "This is where I stopped reading because it's confusing/slow/flowery/overwritten/clichéd." Or "You have a lot of purple patches." 

What they mean: Your choice (and maybe amount) of adjectives does the opposite of what you intended. Rather than create a vivid, immersive scene, your description stops the story's momentum. 

Think of it this way:

Your story is a world. The path before the reader is made of stepping stones over a lake (of real-world distractions or worries). Each stone is a word the reader steps on to go through the story and experience what your character experiences. The reader should move effortlessly, stepping from stone to stone, gliding from scene to scene. 

Purple writing turns those stones into sticky messes. Each step becomes difficult. The focus shifts from the world of your awesome story, to that tricky, icky stone. The reader falters, working hard to remove his foot from one stone in order to proceed to the next. It soon becomes tiring. And eventually, the reader must give up.

Here's how to recognize Purple Prose:

• Description of new characters (especially Love Interests) compare their attributes to gems, food, etc. "Her glittering blue eyes gazed at me lovingly like an endless ocean of forgiveness." Or "He had eyes the color of wet sapphires and hair as gold as the first rays of dawn." 
• I don't know about you, but first thing I think when meeting someone hot is "Damn, that guy is hot." Not "Damn, his eyes are like diamonds and his hair is the color of melted chocolate."

• Starting a chapter (or beginning the WIP) with a long description that anthropomorphizes a season, landscape, or weather. "The ancient, circular city in the center of the valley was in the mountain's shadow, so it was always enrobed in an endless, aphotic, caliginous darkness in which lurid villains etc."
• This is where using a thesaurus to foreshadow has gone too far. One strong adjective in a description is great. Every adjective after dilutes the reader's attention. Think of it this way: the description is a perfect glass of wine. Adding another adjective is like adding an ice cube to the perfect glass of wine. Adding even more dilutes that wine further until you have a glass of crap.

• In romance WIPs or love scenes, particularly tender moments naturally tumble into vats of Purple Prose with "slick, throbbing manhoods" and "silky skin" and "exquisite oil in quivering pockets of loveliness."
•  This euphemizing reveals a big reason why writers reach for the safety and ease of slipping a Purple Patch into a scene: either they believe they can't write the scene well, or they don't want to be too clinical, scientific, or use language they are uncomfortable with. Like trying to hide a bad pimple, the makeup only emphasizes the flaw.

Here's how to recognize it in your own writing:

·    As you revise, every time you come across a sentence or paragraph that makes you pause and feel especially awesome and sparkly about your writing, cut it.

Are you thinking "Oh, you b*tch!"?

Calm down, Skippy. It's going to be a good kind of hurt. And, it's a critical skill to develop for the following reasons:

o   Only you know what happens in later chapters. Something you're trying to foreshadow might look like Purple Prose to someone else. Knowing what Purple is can help you save a critical scene from the cutting room floor by changing the things that make it seem Purple.

o   If you can spot and expunge the Purple from your WIP before handing it off to a beta, you can free up your beta's attention for other things. (Also, you won't get back beta notes like "Really? FFS, really???")

o   It helps you grow a thick skin. The more critical and neutral you can be about your work, the better it becomes.

Let's put our serious pants on and deconstruct:

Sample: "His long, sinewy, muscular arms circled around me and twined behind me. Then he crushed me to him like he was a starving man and I was the first piece of mutton he'd seen in years. When he kissed me, his lips tasted like the very nectar of Olympian gods, imparting the sweetness of honeyed, overripe apricots and the scent of pine needles crushed beneath a virgin nymph's bare heel." 

Deconstruction: "His long, sinewy, muscular arms circled around me and twined behind me. (1) Then he crushed me to him like he was a starving man and I was the first piece of mutton he'd seen in years (2). When he kissed me, his lips tasted like the very nectar of Olympian gods, imparting the sweetness of honeyed, overripe apricots and the scent of pine needles crushed beneath a virgin nymph's bare heel were sweet. (3)" 

1. Clichéd description of arms. Redundant description of a hug. Also, note how the focus is on the dude's arms for f*ck's sake. *Not* the protag nor her Love Interest.
2. I love this line. LOVE it. It's hilarious. But it doesn't fit the tone of the scene, doesn't move the story forward, or develop my character. Therefore, I must cut it.
3. I know I'm writing a Fantasy story in which there were never any Olympian gods. Nor nymphs. My protag would never have known these things. I have to cut this.

More importantly, the focus of the scene is diffused by evoking so many senses. I'm trying to force the reader to think this scene is important.

Reconstructed: "He embraced me so tightly, I could barely breathe. Then he kissed me, and his lips were sweet despite the blood of battle, the sweat of having fought an entire clan of trolls. All that trouble for one kiss from me. The thought spurred me to kiss back harder, intent on proving I could conquer as well." 

See the difference? In the Purple Prose, there were so many descriptions surrounding the kiss, they took the focus away from the kiss itself. Worse, they took focus away from the character, who is the reason for the story. 

In the Reconstructed segment, I attempt to put the emphasis on how important the kiss is to the character. If I've done a good job of establishing empathy for my characters up to that point, the reader should easily feel the scene's importance without me having to dress it up with extra fluff. 

In your WIP: Seek and Destroy extra adjectives and clichés. Your protag will thank you for it.

Happy revising,

J

Coming Up: 

Details

Robert Bevan

Flat vs. Round Characters

Brian Mumphrey

Dialogue Tags