Dialogue Part 2

DIALOGUE PART 2

Or: "As you know, Bob..."

The Comments: "Oh my god, this is eye-gougingly boring." Or "You're infologuing, dude." Or "Stop assuming I'm stupid."

What they might mean:

1.    You're using a character's name too often in dialogue.

2.    You're trying to hide your infodumping in dialogue (hence, my phrase: infologuing.)

Let's put our serious pants on and tackle that first one, because it'll be easy to spot in your WIP.

How often do you use a character's name in your dialogue lines? Especially when there are only two people in a scene, or two people in a conversation.

It might look like:

"I can't believe you just said that, Agnes," said Gordo. "You were at the party too."

"I left early, Gordo," said Agnes. "Way before the poop hit the fan."

"Then I think you instigated it, Agnes. Why else would you have been there in the first place?"

"I was invited, Gordo. Silly little fur-trimmed envelope."

This type of back and forth makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a claw hammer. Why?

1.    The constant naming of who is talking and who they're talking to implies that I'm too stupid to keep this straight in my head. There are two people for glob's sake. It's not hard.

2.    The extra syllables, the forced comma pauses, the repetitive rhythm all contribute to sapping the scene of tension. Go back and read the sample again. Feel that comma pause and lull every time you have to read a character's name?

3.    The worst crime: having the characters say the name of who they're talking to is like purple prose in that it calls attention to the person's name, not what's going on in the story, not what's being said. It's a reminder that the reader is reading a story, not living it.

Caveat! There are good reasons to use a person's name in dialogue, though, so don't go hog wild cutting them out.

The two main reasons for doing this are:

1.    Refresh the reader's knowledge of which line belongs to which character. (self-explanatory).

2.    Manipulate focus. What this means is to have a speaking character use another character's name with a specific purpose, like intimidation - "Don't toy with me, Agnes"; revealing secret knowledge by calling the character a name they, or the reader, doesn't know the other person knows or whatever; or to imply what comes next may have multiple interpretations but the character being addressed should interpret it in a specific way, etc.

Let's improve our example. Here's the original.

"I can't believe you just said that, Agnes," said Gordo. "You were at the party too."

"I left early, Gordo," said Agnes. "Way before the poop hit the fan."

"Then I think you instigated it, Agnes. Why else would you have been there in the first place?"

"I was invited, Gordo. Silly little fur-trimmed envelope."

Here it is, tweaked by taking out unnecessary name mentions:

"I can't believe you just said that," said Gordo. "You were at the party too."

"I left early," said Agnes. "Way before the poop hit the fan."

"You must have said something, done something, to set them off. Lord, Agnes, I should've kicked you out soon as I saw your pasty-ass shins coming down the stairs."

She slunk towards him. "As long as those silly little fur-trimmed invitations keep showing up in my mailbox, I'll keep...coming."

Now let's tackle Infologuing (infodump disguised as dialogue.) AKA, "As you know,Bob" syndrome.

This is usually found, but not restricted to, Fantasy and Science Fiction. It's an attempt to insert an infodump, information that's not necessarily apropos of anything in the scene, in order to worldbuild or give the reader knowledge that seems necessary.

It looks like:

Doc Jenyu filled the beaker with acid and said, "As you know, Bob, the molecular composition of Bromites makes them disintegrate in water."

Or: "You and I both know the Carmelians won't accept a truce," said Lord Nefario.

See the bolded words? If those or a variant show up in your WIP, it's a signal you're infologuing.

Here's where it gets tricky. You could try just cutting them, but it's like putting a bandaid on a deep puncture wound; you're only covering the bigger issue.

An "As you know, Bob" in your rough drafts was an effort to educate the reader of things the POV character and the speaker already know. It's usually a well-known fact in your WIP's universe. While writing, you may have been conscious enough not to dump the info in a block of narrative but now it's in the dialogue.

When you come to a section like this, ask yourself - Does it:

1)    develop the character

2)    move the plot forward

3)    reinforce a theme

4)    belong in conversation

5)    sound like the character

6)    sound like a conversation these particular characters would have

There are a few ways to get around this, and changing the dialogue can actually strengthen the scene's tension.

For example, if it's common knowledge in your world, there might be a way to show it.

Doc Jenyu filled the beaker with acid and said, "As you know, Bob, the molecular composition of Bromites makes them disintegrate in water."

 - Maybe the POV character can witness this, or take great pains to keep a Bromite away from water. (That is, if this information is absolutely necessary to understand/be immersed in your pocket universe. Otherwise, cut the whole mention of Bromites and water.)

Another more involved but commonly used method is to have a young character learn about your WIP's universe from a mentor or worldly peer. Think Harry Potter learning from Hagrid and the Weasleys. Or the kid characters learning from tutors in Game of Thrones.

If you can't add these scenes to your word count, think of your POV character as the mentor, internally commenting and maybe judging the ways of his/her/its world.

Caveat! Sometimes it's beneficial to use phrases like "You and I both know this ain't gonna fly."

Again, though, be conscious of using it to highlight the moment, perhaps highlight the futility and frustration of knowing something is true, but hoping for a different outcome.

Happy Writing and Revising!

J (follow me on twitter! @joanwip) 

Coming Up:

More Dialogue

Passive

Verbing

Robert Bevan 

Nat Russo

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